March 1, 2006.
It was a typical Spring day in Kamloops, BC. Cool and crisp with a big blue sky. Feeling pretty spiffy in my off white sweater and grey wool skirt with my classic; tights and boots. I was enjoying these mornings and feeling great about going back to the organization I had worked for in Alberta. It was the start of a new month in a new office and I couldn't help but feel perfectly in control of where life was going - finally.
I headed off to work stupid early in the morning for a training session; with just moving to this new office, I didn't dare miss it or be late. Trevor was still in bed, feeling under the weather from the 'cold' he had been battling for a week or so. Kissed him, told him I loved him and off I went. Feeling excited for the day but a little melancholy because I had slept in the spare bed the night before to give Trevor his space and so I didn't wake him when I got up at that ungodly hour.
Of course, in a rush so didn't tidy my ensuite or the kitchen as I hurried out the door. Pyjamas on the floor, make-up spread all over and the remnants of my quick breakfast left out on the counter and in the kitchen sink. Not typically how I allowed my house to look if company was expected, that's for sure! But hey, it was Wednesday...what the hell did I care?
Eighteen days earlier I was enjoying a fantastic girls weekend in Kelowna; shopping, drinking wine and laughing so much my cheeks hurt. Nothing new in our world, I went off to have girl time and Trevor hit the trails with the boys and tore up the back country on quads. THAT was one of the biggest reasons we moved back to BC from Calgary and he was taking full advantage of our surroundings...even if it was February!
Caribbean cruise we took with my brother and sister-in-law for New Years 2006
As boys do, he might have attempted something a little more daring than was necessary and Mother Nature fought back a little. That spindly little tree kicked back and sent him ass over tea kettle backwards down the trail tangled up in a 700 pound machine - no big deal, right?
Pulling into our driveway late that afternoon to witness Trevor gingerly getting out of our truck with only one boot on and the quad looking like a bit of a mess, I immediately charged at him asking a million questions. All he could say is "I think I should go to the hospital". So, off we went.
Who knew that single visit could've led us down the path we ended up on.
I'm not going to share every despicable detail of that experience with you but I will say this; when you go to the doctor or to a hospital for anything, please promise me that you will be your own biggest advocate and please take someone with you who will do the same for you as well.
After hours in that ER fighting for pain meds for Trevor and questioning the plaster cast (this was 2006, not 1986) and it's incredibly painful and awkward process of application, we were on our way home. Both of us relieved, exhausted and just glad to be done with that place.
Over the next days and weeks, Trevor struggled with extreme swelling in his foot and calf, there was no room in his archaic cast for his leg to swell. Y'all have read '50 Shades of Grey' well we had 50 Shades of Black & Blue happening in that foot and toes. Of course all we could see were his toes and that was enough!
DVT is a blood clot deep in the Vein(s), if/when it breaks free, it can cause a pulmonary embolism which can cause death
Have you heard of Deep Vein Thrombosis (DVT)? It's when a blood clot forms in a vein deep within the body, typically in the lower leg. It can cause those veins to swell significantly. When it breaks free and travels through the body's extensive vascular system it can find itself in the lung and that is called a Pulmonary Embolism. PE is very likely to cause death.
Getting into a tangle with a 700 pound motorized machine and tumbling downhill with it will easily cause such an injury. Along with breaking bones in a foot. The trauma that Trevor's body experienced from his quad flipping over him and taking him down the hill backwards with it, caused a clot to form in his calf.
We were 100% ignorant to it. Didn't know this was 'a thing', weren't warned of it, weren't told of any symptoms to watch out for or that this was incredibly common.
We. Did. Not. Know.
So...March 1, 2006.
The sun was shining, the sky was wide open and blue. I loved my life, my new office was awesome and my marriage was on solid ground.
Then the lights went out.
Eighteen days after Trevor rolled his quad. Eighteen days after we spent hours in an Emergency Room with a supposed highly skilled doctor to treat his broken foot. Eighteen days after we came home ignorant to the silent killer lurking in his leg - I got 'the call'.
Sitting at my desk with a lovely family, planning their dream trip to Disneyland, my 30 year old beloved husband was at home calling 911 for himself. Making himself a bed at the front door, securing our dogs in the laundry room and making sure the front door was open for the Paramedics.
Likely scared, panicked, and feeling the most alone he probably ever had in his entire life. I was at my desk laughing and enjoying my job, helping a family bring their dream to a reality.
I was pulled away from them by my Manager who had an odd call at her desk for me. It was the Social Worker at the hospital asking me to come in immediately but not giving any reason why other than my husband had been brought in by ambulance. That was it. So, I went. Fully intending to come back later in the afternoon.
I never set foot in that office again - EVER.
There are parts of this day that I cannot remember and then there are parts of this day I wish I could forget. Remember when you were in junior high and you would walk up to a group of girls who were talking intently and as soon as you walked into their circle, the conversation stopped and they all had 'that look' on their face. And you instantly knew, they were talking about you and your heart sank and your face turned red?
That's a feeling I'd like to forget about that day, a memory that I'd like to wipe clean. Walking up to the triage desk and telling the nurse who I was and that my husband apparently had been brought in by ambulance and every nurse in the place stopped what they were doing, their eyes dropped to the floor as they awkwardly tried to avoid making eye contact with me. I felt 14 again. Confused. Annoyed. Pissed Off. Awkward and my stomach started to knot a little as the blood rushed to my cheeks.
One nurse guided me towards a set of double doors, away from the waiting room. I asked, then asked again then demanded that someone better start talking to me.
Well, they did.
You've all seen it in movies, on TV and written about in books - 'that room'. Well, I'm here to confirm for you that it is exactly as it's portrayed. Stale. Hospital green. No windows. A table with a phone on it and a box of tissue and a garbage can in the corner by the door. Two chairs on one side, one chair on the other.
That's another memory I would love to have zapped, Men in Black style.
In walked the doctor; you probably won't believe me but I can't even make this shit up, it was the same doctor that had treated Trevor eighteen days earlier. You can imagine my reaction, I'm sure.
Then the words came out of his mouth:
"We did everything we could but your husband did not make it, we are very sorry"
In 2006, WTF wasn't really a saying but I'm sure if it was, those exact words would have come out of my mouth. To be honest, that is one thing I cannot remember exactly; I don't even know what the first words out of my mouth were. Sadly, I do remember one of the next sentences out of my mouth and it was filled with hate and spite and all I wanted to accomplish with it was to hurt that doctor as much as I was hurting in that moment.
That sentence was definitely not how my mama raised me.
Maybe you're wondering how and why the heck I would remember things like my messy bathroom and the sun in the sky. I wish I knew too. I know that I was actually embarrassed of my messy house when my friends went in that day to gather some things for me. And that spiffy sweater and wool skirt - threw it away. Never wanted to wear it again, let alone lay eyes on it.
The sun? It's heat and brilliance. My final memory of being at the hospital was sitting outside on a bench waiting for my friend's mom to bring her car around to take me away from there. I looked up into the sun, felt its heat on my raw burning cheeks and just talked to God and talked to Trevor.
I can still feel it today, twelve years later.
I have never felt so alone, losing Trevor, my soulmate at the age of twenty-eight. I thought life was over for me too. I thought I would never feel happiness again, never experience joy and sure as heck never love or be loved again.
Plenty has changed in these twelve years, my heart has opened up, joy returned, I chose happiness and now I advocate for other Young Widows to find their happiness and health and joy. After all, losing Trevor taught me the biggest lesson of all - Life Is Short.
Hey! I'm Robyn!
I'm an Online Entrepreneur and Wellness Coach. I've been told that I have a way of making nutrition feel simple and not scary at all. I operate on Systems and stay focused on Simplifying everything I can.
My Goal is to teach you how to regain your health and build a better life.